Cheering News that no, Kate, we don’t all ‘know who you are’

Massive smirks crossed our faces on reading the news that bouncers at a Primal Scream gig on Sunday didn’t recognise Kate Moss when she tried to get in.

Yes, it’s because we’re jealous; yes, they’ve obviously been under a rock since the early 90s; but nonetheless, thrilling stuff.

According to The Mirror, bouncers left her quite literally out in the cold, despite Kate being BFF’s with the band’s front man Bobby Gillespie.

A source said: “Kate was obviously mortified that she had to wait outside. But she took it all in her stride. She had a bit of a moan once she got in – mainly about being stuck outside in such cold weather.”

BREAKING news….

Nature is a cruel, cruel mistress: something little Justin Bieber knows only too well, as he faces a struggle with Mr Puberty’s threats to his ‘angelic’ vocals.

The Biebster is reportedly having specialist vocal training with the coach who helped Usher overcome the effects of his knackers dropping.

A source said: “Justin is physically developing at a slower rate than most guys so his voice is only breaking now. He's working with the best in the business, a specialist called Jan Smith, to make sure he gets much vocal rest as humanly possible for a working pop star.”

Awwwww. ‘Developing at a slower rate’?! THAT’S gonna make him feel good.

Cue bedroom walls painted black and self-harm. A literally crushing sentence if ever we heard one.

Look away, all arbiters of good taste: it’s SUBO THE MUSICAL

Yeah, that’s not a typo.

It’s been revealed that Susan Boyle is to play, well, herself, in a musical narrating her rise to stardom.

The Sun has reported that the show, which will tell the singer's entire sorry story, is in the final stages of planning.

SuBo said: "I'm definitely going to be on stage. I'd rather that than having to sit watching people up there looking like me.

"I want to be doing the music parts, so I'll be coming in and out of the show. I'm looking forward to doing some live work. It'll be really nice to see so many of the people who have supported me in person."

Alongside such heart-warming asides as SuBo’s lonely life with just a cat for company, the show is also expected to feature her performance for the Pope, who has not yet confirmed whether he too will be playing himself.

An insider said: "Susan has incredibly loyal fans. People will be travelling from all over the world to see her perform in her own musical.

"I wouldn't be surprised if some of them book tickets to watch it five nights in a row."

Er…….

Lindsay’s folks PR Machine rumbles on a-pace

Rehab is apparently no barrier to success and adoration, if Lindsay Lohan’s mum and dad are to believed.

Her own personal ‘cheerleaders’ (that’s what Americans say, right?), mum Dina and dad Michael have claimed little Linds will have "mountains of scripts" to peruse when she leaves treatment.

Ethan Terra, who co-owns a production company with Dina, revealed: "Lindsay has absolutely no qualms about getting work. She literally has a mountain pile of scripts to choose from. When she is ready, we'd like to see her take on a positive role. She is doing so amazingly well with her recovery."

‘LITERALLY’. She ‘LITERALLY’ has a ‘mountain’ of ‘em.
You heard it here.

Kerry Katona 'I was off my head for four years’ - Only four?!

In an, er , surprising turn of events, cathartic Kerry has decided to reveal all about her loopy, drug addled past, in return for some cold, hard cash for an ITV documentary: the alliteratively titled, ‘Kerry Katona: Coming Clean.’

The former Iceland-face mentalist tells cameras that if she hadn’t have left scumbag ex Mark Croft, her drug addiction would have killed her.

She said: 'If I'd stayed with Mark I would have been dead. The next time you'd have seen me would have been at my funeral.'

Forgetful Kerry also admits there are large patches of her children’s lives she can’t remember due to being routinely off her tits.

She said: 'I'd go OTT on the drugs, hope that he would go, "Kerry, stop, that's enough," but he didn't.'

She continued: 'I needed someone to stop me and I was trying to push Mark to prove how much he loved me by saying, 'Look Kerry, you've got f****** kids out there. I knew that I was doing wrong.'

Kerry eventually plucked up the courage to get clean and leave Mark in February this year, by which time she was bankrupt. Oops.

Geldof in not-being-really-smug shocker

Bob Geldof has revealed that just like the rest of us, he finds ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ pretty bloody annoying.

Despite its charideeee credentials and status as the worlds' biggest selling single, he branded the track one of the worst songs ever.

He said: ‘I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One is Do They Know It’s Christmas? and the other one is We Are The World.

'Any day soon, I will go to the supermarket, head to the meat counter and it will be playing. Every ****ing Christmas.’
Right on, Sir Bob. Right on.

Happy Eva After? Not for much Long[ori]a

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria filed for divorce last week, after finding 'hundreds of texts' from another woman on husband Tony Parker's phone.

In yet another blow, the texts turned out to be from the wife of one of the NBA player's teammates at the San Antonio Spurs, though her name has not been announced.

Alongside his Vernon Kay style activities, Tony is also said to have cheated on her with another laydee, who he kept in touch with via the ever-romantic medium of Facebook.

Confirming the split, Eva Tweeted: 'It is with great sadness that after 7 years together, Tony and I have decided to divorce. We love each other deeply and pray for each other’s happiness.'

Her husband later tweeted the same message. How very bloody original.

P Diddy’nt

Not just a talented rapper, but a hilarious prankster too, P Diddy has had the intraweb going mental with his false wedding claim japes.

He announced on Twitter: "I decided to get Married today!!! I feel like a new man! Wedding is planned for valentines (sic) day!!! Your (sic) all welcome!! Feb 14th. Let's go!"


His followers quickly re-tweeted the announcement hundreds of times over, with the news spreading across the net like wildfire.

But - LOL - it was all a big funny fib.

he eventually admitted: "Weddings (sic) off. She aint (sic) sign the prenup (sic)!!! Lol. I'm just bulls*******. Sorry I'm bored today! And I'm not a vegan. Let's goooo!"

I want to give Aiden Grimshaw a cuddle.

Here at Being Boiled, we don’t often report on X Factor shenanigans, but we have been more than a little bit taken with the mental-faced loveliness of a certain Aiden Grimshaw.

Now poor little Aiden’s been given the boot, it makes us want to grab his little cheeks and hug him even more - particularly when he laid his soul bare on the, er, hallowed Daybreak sofa. And admitted he had a little cry.

He said: “I had a beer or two ... I'm OK, last night I had a bit of a sob with Matt, but I'll get over it, I think. You've always got to expect you are going to be in the bottom two and prepare. It is what it is, you win some, you lose some."


Altogether now: ‘awwwwwwwwwwwwwww’.

Roll Up, Roll Up! Pratt Circus in Town again!

Just when you thought they’d learnt their lesson, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt liven up our boring little lies with yet another chapter in their love-life saga.

The pair - having made up after their pretend divorce - have now decided to renew their wedding vows.

And, *cough* - apparently this is the “real” “deal.”
Spence said: "It's just me and my bride on a little secret beach with nobody else, and it's just about her. Last time it was about everything else, it was about drama, it was about ratings."

Funnily enough, Heidi wholeheartedly agrees with her double-hubby “[The first wedding] was about everyone but us, so this is really our first wedding about Spencer and I and our love."

Accidentally on porpoise?

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke has apparently been rescued from the jaws of death by, yes, porpoises.

According to The Guardian, the 84-year-old actor had to rely on the help of a pod of porpoises after apparently dozing off aboard his surfboard.

He told reporters: "I woke up out of sight of land. I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought 'I'm dead!'"

Wowsers.

He went on: "They turned out to be porpoises. And they pushed me all the way to shore."

Yeah. And a dog ate my homework.

Ingrid Tarrant proves she has literally no shame

First she cashes in on the fact her husband’s a wanker; next Ms Tarrant takes the fame hunger one step further: bathing in beer with a Chuckle Brother.

Ingrid is currently taking part on the celebrity version of the Channel 4 reality TV show Coach Trip, where on arriving in the Czech Republic, the brave adventurers were asked to strip off and have a soak in a bath of beer, which locals claim is good for the skin.

Ingrid, 56, was joined by Barry Elliot, 65, who is one half of the Chuckle Brothers and Coach Trip host and guide Brendan Sheerin in a possible bid to top us the £12.5million divorce settlement from her ex-husband in 2008.

Other ‘celebrities’ on the fun bus include actress Carol Harrison, 55, who is best known for her role as Tiffany's mum in EastEnders, Big Brother’s Ben Duncan, 30, and his friend, The Apprentice contestant Raf Bjayou, 30, Chuckle Brothers Paul and Barry Elliot, glamour girls Imogen Thomas, 27, and Bianca Gascoigne, 24, and former EastEnders stars Ricky Groves and Alex Ferns, both 42.

Kredit Kard-ashian

The KKK’s just Kant get enough of endorsing shit, and shit.

The sisters have launched their very own MasterCard - costing a mere $99.95 for us mere mortals to use.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian’s official prepaid debit card, imaginatively called the Kardashian Kard, launched in New York earlier this week.

However, the sisters are already receiving criticism for their teen-aimed product, which some say is 'irresponsible.'

 Kim, on the other hand, insisted their product is to teach young people about money, telling Entertainment Tonight.

'When we were growing up, we didn't have credit, we didn't know what it was like to try and get your first credit card, But with this one you don't need credit, you don't even need a bank account.

'We wanted to provide people with something where they could learn their budgets, there is a spending limit on it. We are so excited that so many people are into this idea.'

‘Frugal’ and ‘Kardashian’? Hmm.

I’m A Celebrity in vaguely famous line-up shocker

Sooo…here it is. Ranked in our estimates of famous to not famous, though this is clearly subjective. 

Gail Porter - alopecia, bum on houses of Parliament. Cute, IMHO.

Gillian McKeith - she looks at people’s poo for a living, oft-seen in the McKeith hands o hips stance. looks approximately 2.5 minutes from death.

Shaun Ryder - Happy Monday caner, once made a fabulous appreance on Most Haunted.

Linford Christie - well informed in the trouser department former athlete.

Stacey Solomon – came third on last year’s X Factor and LOOKS LIKE A HORSE

Dom Joly –Trigger Happy genius

Lembit Opik - he was a Cheeky Boy. Now he just looks like an Aardman animation.

Britt Ekland – ex Bond girl

Nigel Havers - I should probably know who this is but I don’t.

Alison Hammond – ex Big Brother fattie who now bounces around on This Morning being generally over excited

Sheryl Gascoigne - Ex GazzaWAG

Aggro Santos – we have no idea who he is, but sounds like a pissed off Father Christmas

Not very Goody

Whatever your opinions on Jade Goody, it’s incredibly sad when someone dies at the age of 27 to cervical cancer.

So, you’d hope that the generosity and support of her fans would be appreciated - not least of all by Jade’s own mother.

Apparently not.

It has emerged that Jade’s mum, Jackiey Budden, has been selling the cuddly toys that have been sent in for Jade, taking them to local car boot sales and flogging them as little as 50p each.

However, she claims the money raised has been donated to charity.

She said: "I thought it was better to sell them for a good cause than throw them in the bin."

 Jackiey Budden's spokesman, meanwhile, has insisted that she has not sold on any graveside tributes left for Jade Goody, claiming that, "When she was clearing out the house, Jackiey gave most of them to the local hospital. Others she sold. She says they were not from the grave and she says that she gave the money to charity."
 Phew.

Smug Katy won’t show us her bits

Newly wed Katy Perry has revealed she won’t be revealing all any time soon.

In a chat with Cosmopolitan magazine she sounded more than a little bit smug delivering the, er , shattering news that we won’t be seeing more of her than we hitherto have.

She said: “I like to play [the sexy] card because it’s fun and definitely in my deck, but I like to tease. I’m like a burlesque girl. I definitely won’t be doing a Playboy spread, but I will be doing a kind of Dita Von Teese style.”

Sounding far too bloody happy for our liking, she goes on: “I’m confident in my skin I guess, lately. I think that when you’re in a supportive relationship, you don’t care anymore about outside. Things that may have irked you before don’t matter because you found someone who loves you no matter what. I guess it’s a mixture of ‘Hey, I’m 26, and I know these are my prime years and I’m feeling confident’ and being loved-up.”  

Yeah, bully for you Katy.

What a Pratt!

Prize twerps Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have revealed they are considering filing for bankruptcy after blowing their $10million fortune.

The former stars of The Hills splashed out on crystals, luxury cars, Heidi's multiple plastic surgery procedures and a failed pop album, and the pair have revealed say they owe close to $2 million in taxes.

They now claim to be living in a guesthouse at Pratt’s parents’ home after struggling to pay the rent on their $35,000-a-month Malibu mansion.

AND - surprise surprise - the couple have finally admitted that their divorce was sham, engineered when they heard network ITV was interested in giving them a reality show that would document their split. No shit.

Pratt told US Life & Style magazine: 'The divorce was real - just the idea behind it was different than most people's. Divorcing was the only way to keep Heidi's career going because everyone hated me so much.'

However, their - ahem- foolproof plan failed when the show never went ahead.

Montag, 24, says she regrets her 10 surgery procedures: 'I spent thousands on the procedures and after-care,' she says. 'I had private nurses coming twice a day for two months for treatments and bandage chances. Each time they came it cost $2000. I wish I didn't waste so much money on it.'

Pratt says, sagely, 'In hindsight, we shouldn't have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved.

'We did this to ourselves and feel like idiots.'

Idiots.

Ant and Dec’s Blunder Down Under

Our fave Geordie chappies have angered Australians with their comments on the locals in a boozer they’ve visited during down-time filming I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

35-year-old Dec was quoted in the local press as saying that, "We have to go to the pub in the afternoon in Australia because we are on TV in the middle of the night. So it's us and the gamblers and the people in vests, not people you want to drink with during the day. But they're our drinking buddies."

 He’s right - no one wants to drink with people wearing vests.

However, his comments have certainly not gone down well with the locals.

24-year-old Greg Smith, reportedly interviewed The Kingscliff Beach Hotel bar, said: "Why are we not the sort of people they'd want to drink with? That's a ridiculous stereotype of an Aussie.

Smith went on to ridiculously stereotype the English: "Maybe if they got to know us they'd have a different view. We might look rough and tough but we are nice people. If they don't like it then they should stay in their room and drink English tea and eat scones."

Peaches and Eli in split, er, ‘shocker’

After eight months of vile Tweets and staged photographs, little Peachy G has split from her 38-year-old film director lover Eli Roth.

The 21-year-old [insert career path here] is thought to have split with Eli due to ‘work commitments’, which seems somewhat dubious in view of Peaches lack of, well, work.

A source told the Sunday Mirror: 'Peaches is really sad that things didn't work out with Eli. They were very much in love and she'd never been so nuts about a guy.

'But both are hard workers and have huge commitments coming up, so they were due to be spending too much time apart.

'It was almost better for them to part ways before things got even trickier with making time for each other.

'They remain great friends and her time spent with him will remain extremely precious - but it's all over now.'

Pass. The. Kleenex.

Not.

Prince has the X Factor

Which we all knew anyway, but he’s set to prove how shit the contestants are in comparison to his brilliant self by appearing on the X Factor finals.

The teeny popstrel is set to make his UK comeback for the final in December.

A show source revealed: ‘Simon Cowell had been trying to get Prince on the show for so long, he is a massive fan and it is a big coup.

‘At the moment the plans are being kept under wraps – but it will make for the biggest X Factor final ever seen.’

Tom Jones scoops Music Industry Trust Award

Vintage Welsh crooner Tom Jones has been awarded the prestigious Music Industry Trust Award in recognition of his services to music.

The award was presented to Jones at a charity dinner at London’s Grosvenor House Hotel, where guests among the 1,100 strong audience included countrymen Kelly Jones, Cerys Mathews and Rob Brydon.

Previous recipients include Sir George Martin, Elton John, John Barry and Kylie Minogue.

Director Tim Burton presented the award, saying: “[Sir Tom Jones] is a real inspiration for all artists whether that is music, film or any art form; he is an amazing human being and an amazing artist.”

Elton’s no Ga Ga

In a bizarre logic, Elton John has said he’s to hang up his Tiny Dancing shoes as he feels he can no longer compete with stars like Lady Gaga.


The Rocket Man, 63, has said he will continue with several ‘little side projects’, including his collaboration Scissor Sisters, but announced he would never put out another solo single.


He told GQ magazine: ‘Look, I’m 63. I don’t want to be on VH1 or MTV. I’m not going to compete with JLS or Lady Gaga.


‘I’m at that stage where I don’t think I can write pop music any more. I can’t sit down and do a proper rock song. It was OK when I was 25 or 26, but not any more.


‘I like to do my little side projects like Scissor Sisters and have fun, but I don’t think Elton John will be putting any pop singles out.’

Feminist angering Fry claims women ‘Don’t Like Sex’

Oh, Stephen. We’re not angry, we’re just disappointed.

Here at Being Boiled, we a love a bit of the Fry.

So although his comments that women don’t actually enjoy sex are pretty funny (and, at times, accurate), we totally understand why they’ve caused so much rage.

Obviously many have been keen to point out that as a gay man, he’s unlikely to have a massive amount of authority on the subject; so we’re not going to go there.

However, it’s a bit sad that he believes women are only willing to have sex as it’s ‘the price they are willing to pay for a relationship’.

Fry, 53, added that most straight men fear that ‘they disgust women’ and ‘find it difficult to believe that women are as interested in sex as they are’.

The comments came from an interview with Attitude magazine, and appear to arise from the notion that straight women don’t indulge in cottaging.

He said: ‘If women liked sex as much as men, there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas’.

‘Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking, “God, I’ve got to get my fucking rocks off”, or they’d go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to shag behind a bush.

‘It doesn’t happen. Why? Because the only women you can have sex with like that wish to be paid for it.’

Feminist journalist Boycott said the claims were ‘kind of rubbish’, adding: ‘Women are just as capable as men are of enjoying sex.

'We don’t go cruising or cottaging on Hampstead Heath because we don’t need to. Women have other ways to get our thrills, and we can go and get them in bars or clubs.’

Clubbing with Boycott, anyone?